The Case For Loneliness

This is a major having-thoughts-all-over-the-place rant post. Some parts might be shallow or unnecessarily deep. Tread lightly.

The number one thing I deal with the most in this state of transition and decision-making is loneliness. This might be strange, considering I am not always alone, but I have said before that you can be surrounded by a crowd yet be filled with this sense of disconnection (my blog title rings a bell?).

1. The number one thing people comment to me is that I have too much time, and if I keep myself occupied with something productive, I would not have such emotional experiences. Although this might seem true, aren't we just technically shutting off real issues instead of resolving them at heart? Just saying.

2. The second comment is that I think too much, and this is true to some levels. However, I need to operate under a well-defined environment (at least in my own eyes) despite the many unknown variables. There are just too many things I have to protect, too many people I don't want getting hurt, too many dreams to salvage, and perhaps in that process I beat myself down without realising it.

3. Some say I just need to get laid (thanks guys, not so sure whether all of you are serious, but it sounded like it). I have said it before, sex to me is not a tool, but an act of togetherness with an emotional connection of a higher level. It isn't a tool. I've had a friend hand me a book about sexual needs and the justification to meet those needs, but somehow I couldn't relate.

4. I've been trying to be friends (or perhaps more than friends) with select groups/individuals, and I seem to be having a problem of "wanting to be close with people who don't care, and ignoring those who do" like depicted in teenage dramas. It seems my pubescent experiences came a little late. Also having those strange thoughts of "why couldn't I come into your life much earlier" or "I wished I never known you". Things would have been so much easier if I played the avoidance card, but like I said, it would just be throwing a boomerang and not moving from origin.

5. Move on or wait and fight? I don't know. Both have a different appeal, but I wished the wait and fight path would look more promising.

6. I need to reevaluate my friendships. This sounds so wrong, and makes me feel kind of shallow. The whole point of friends is to not have any reason to keep one, but somehow, some of them are giving too many reasons to be more ignorant of them (to those who have yet to do so or have kept within limits of my tolerance, congratulations, you guys are awesome beyond awesome). I don't want to waste my time on friendships where I keep serving the ball yet not have the individual hit it back. Another ironic point though, there are some of which I refuse to let go. Kill me now.

7. Although some of the people I'm 'counseling' claims to be messed up, I think I'm more messed up. Like my Bestie puts it, even the best of people go through shit. Well, The shit is hardening up over me and I better find an escape.

Somehow, I think I'm repeating stuff up there. Hmmm. I don't know how my readers put up with me.

Blood test results comes out tomorrow. Somehow, I don't care whether I'm healthy or not (I mean I want to be healthy, but I somehow lost the fear of illness at this point). I hope I'm not subconsciously feeling suicidal. Meh.