Aku Merdeka

Warning: This post will be, for the first time, in Malay as a tribute for my beloved country's Independence Day. If you do not understand Malay, please use Google Translate.

Merdeka. Apakah sebenarnya makna kebebasan yang kita selalu impikan?

Tahun ini merupakan tahun yang penuh bermakna bagiku, dengan pengakuan diriku sebagai lelaki yang menyukai lelaki lain sebagai puncak segala perubahan. Ya, negara ini masih melihat isu homoseksual sebagai satu jenayah, dan kita belum merdeka dari pelabelan isu ini sebagai satu kes klinikal walaupun negara Barat yang penuh dengan pakar psikologi sudah memadamkan perkaitan ini dari manual perubatan dan psikologi. Aduhai.

Saya percaya bahawa negara ini penuh dengan seribu kemungkinan, dan kepercayaan ini senantiasa disakiti oleh propaganda dan pemimpin negara yang seoleh-oleh belum mencapai kematangan fikiran. Saya sayang Malaysia, mungkin lebih banyak dari banyak rakyat yang sudah berputus asa dan berpusu-pusu ke negara lain yang difikirkan menawarkan lebih peluang.

Saya tidak akan hilangkan harapan yang semacam bayi dan saya harap anda juga akan menggunakan kebolehan anda dalam apa-apa bidang untuk mengembangkanharapan ini menjadi realiti.

Selamat Hari Jadi Malaya. Selamat meraikan kebebasan anda, pembaca semua.

Hijau, Zainal Abidin.

Age Is Just a Number

Many people care about how big an age gap should be when looking for a partner, of whether he is older or younger. However, they probably do not understand the real meaning of the age that they so preoccupied with.

Age can take many forms: physical lifeline, mental state, emotional maturity, experience, skill or even stature. To me, a person's real age is not the best variable to look at, what with the advent of excessively good healthcare, the rise of liberal education and emotional exposure in schools. Even the most mature looking 40-year old can have the mindset of a 8-year old and it shouldn't be surprising anymore that guys want to settle down at a young age.

What age would you be if you didn't know what age you were?

First Day of Raya Holiday

Not Raya itself, mind you.

Today I visited the KLCC Bookfest. It was crowded like crazy, but my mum and I stomped our way through to hunt for goodies. Books are CHEAP. There's completely no better word to use to express the fest. However, I practiced strange frugality at the wrong time and only got 2 Dilberts and Blunders. My eyes were beaming when I saw the Roald Dahl Book Set going for RM199.00 but I decided to forgo it. Sigh. The lifestyle section was horrid though, what a letdown.

Oh, in hindsight, went to Ben's for lunch. Food is actually pretty decent relative to the price, location and atmosphere. Really great hangout spot anytime of the day.

Tonight, I roll a dice. I played this game before, but the rules are not always the same. There is no specific winning or losing roll, and somehow, your own perception defined how the game even exists  in your mind. Crossing fingers though, as I see the metaphysical dice spinning and rolling through my plane of existence. Ooosh!

Oh, and thanks to BB for being my Shah Alam tour guide and J for the cap and great dim sum find. Kudos!

Bestie, cepat baik. Mesti menang perlumbaan. Maaf karana malam ni tak free.

Oh, Selamat Hari Raya people. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Reason/Excuse For Sluttiness

Recently, had some requests to be people's sex buddy/ONS/NSA kind of a thing. I have been questioning my morality compass too, and I guess that despite several exemptions and situational circumstances (of which are very rare and probably impossible), I want to make this clear:

I did not decide to be gay to become a slut.

Simple. You can play in your area of grey, but I'm fine where I am.

Sigh, life is hard.

Haih

Sometimes I feel sorry for some people, or some situations. Haih.

On another note, I'm getting inspired by the weirdest of things these days. Presenting to you, coffee bubbles in a straw:

Coffee Bubbles in a Straw.

You may now applaud. Ha ha.

Sorry for the quirkiness. Have a nice holiday!

Love Triangle

Today, let's learn about Sternberg.

Sternberg's Love Triangle.

It's pretty self explanatory if you understand a slightly higher than average level of English, but I want to elaborate a little on what's going through my head right now.

Passion has many sources. Chemistry. Sexual attraction. Novelty.

Same goes for intimacy. Personality. Interests. Lifestyles.

However, commitment is as raw as is can get. It is the ability to stay loyal regardless of what happens. Most people don't have this.

Intermission.

Met several few new gay friends this week, and the circle widens indeed. How it goes from there is beyond my imagination. Hmmm.

I need to spring clean my room soon, it is apparently harbouring an insect den. Eeek!

What Should I Do During Holidays?

Healing rate becoming better. It's working, thank God.

Today, office had a let's-buy-back-food-from-the-Ramadan-bazaar-and-have-a-sumptuous-feast-at-the-office-thingy. Not excellent, buy yay to food. Must not gain weight...

Everyone at work seems to be twitchy. Must be the long holiday coming up soon. I'm still clueless about my plans. Hmmm.

Closure is a strange thing, we want it from people but the only way to get it is from ourselves. Sigh.

What is love? Chemistry? Content? Choice? Hmmm. What I really want is consummate love.

Do I care who read my blog? Not exactly. This blog is a space I can feel free and not be afraid of being judged (to an extent). This is also where I rant and speak my mind and my heart.

What to do, what to do?

Rush Tired Rush

Late night.

Force myself to exercise.

Pergi berdating sikit.

No wonder my biological clock screws up.

Se ya!

This is for Yesterday XIII - Cartoon

Came back late after a night of a wacky, twisted play/musical at KLPAC - Cartoon by Steve Yockey.

Really my type of entertainment.

It's gonna run every night till Saturday, so go see it if you haven't. Highly recommended.

Cartoon - Steve Yockey.

Mr. Simple

It's playing on replay lately. Doesn't it remind you of SHINee's Lucifer?

Mr. Simple, Super Junior.

What You Might Find At The Next Turn

Don't give up. Never lose hope. Keep believing. Because one day, you'll find your very own rainbow tucked away in the most unexpected places.

Somewhere out there. Yes, I captured this.

Went for retail therapy with Bestie today, and made some nice purchases. We should do this more often.

Also had dinner with some gay friends. Mixed emotions.

The coming week will be a killer, trying to hurry everything up before Raya/Merdeka. Hope I survived.

Workout plan seems to be working. But my whole body feels like lead. And I don't heal fast enough for now. And it's not even a gym routine.

Diet plan? Hmmm.

I'm going to try a whole new Zen approach to life. I need to calm the raging beast within.

I still haven't cried in a long time. I still want to for the right reasons. Yeah, I'm weird.

I'm not giving up. I'll show the world, I'll show me.

You Only Get Fat Once

Warning: Extreme superficial post coming up. You have been warned.

Okay, I'll try to inject a little modicum into my points, but let's begin.

Someone called me fat.

The premise cannot be any simpler than that. No one has ever called me fat ever. I have myself, but as always I should have the prerogative to do so, so it doesn't count. It wasn't a close friend, it wasn't family, it was the toughest critic: a stranger, a person with no need to protect your own self-esteem and body image.

Yes, I don't have the body. Yes, I have an awkward head size to body size ratio. Yes, I am trying my hardest to not only be externally fit, but healthy as a whole, despite the many bounce moments. Do I really have to go back to that calorie counting self I was during my Psychology of Eating class, or a fitness freak who calls the gym his third home (after his workplace and his real home, that is)?

Maybe now only do I truly understand the pain of a woman, who tries to conform to the standards of beauty because 'men wants it'. Yes, the constructs are two worlds apart, but I can see how being superficial is almost second nature, that we are as primal as we get despite being the most intelligent life-form on earth.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. You better watch out.

In future-spect, if I do get there, what does it actually mean? Who would I have become? It's strange how our shallowest parts run the deepest. Happy Saturday, go wild as I tame the beast within.

Eidetic Error

Was talking to colleagues today and some of them were impressed with a small kid with eidetic memory, which is photographic memory to the point where the individual can recall experiences to every minute details. I guess, if you had plenty of good memories, you'd really want to relive those moments again and again. But I pointed out several issues:

1. You always live in the past (not always the case, but yeah).
2. You get tired quickly because your brain takes in so much information at a go all the time.
3. You cannot forget.

I cannot express how key the third point is. Forgetting, whether it is suppression, repression or natural fading into the dark recesses of your mind, is an important human reflex. It helps preserve our thought patterns, limits our emotional baggage and keeps you going on to experience and learn new things.

It is the total opposite of retrograde amnesia to some sorts, but I'd rather not have either.

I really need to write another smart post soon, I think I'm dumbing down slowly.

Meh.

Recruitment Frenzy (Of Sorts)

My agency have been stepping up the recruitment game recently with plenty of interviews coming along. As regular, kay-poh (busy body) individuals, we would crane our necks to see who they are while they are being interviewed. Several have already been given offers, but many more will be recruited.

One relatively cute guy came in for an interview, hope he gets in. Haha. I need some eye candy.

I remembered my interview well. When my CD saw that I was a psychology graduate, he gave me the what-the-hell-would-you-want-to-work-in-advertising-kind-of-implication-look. Somehow, people don't associate my kind of a degree as a generic candidate for this field of work. I think I proved many of them wrong in a way.

Can't wait for new blood!

What Happened Before NY Passed The Bill?

This:

Diane J. Savino

I added another dream to my Bucket List.

BSC

Beethoven Solo Concerto.

The moment I saw the ad in the newspaper, I knew that this was the moment to start art appreciation seriously. The package for all 6 sessions are cheaper, who wants to go with me?

Emperor Concerto First Movement, Bernstein - Conductor, Zimmerman - Piano

Accident Causer

This happened 2 days ago, but I kept forgetting about it.

I was driving back from swimming with a friend on the highway and suddenly the cars in front stopped so I braked urgently with some space still available. Then I heard a crash. I knew it wasn't my car, but close. Apparently the car behind mine braked in time, but the car behind that was tailing dangerously and crashed. Is it my fault? Definitely not. Still, drama worth mentioning.

Today was a slow Monday. Still can't wait for my first job review (whenever that is).

And I tell you, it's uncles that keep me motivated to exercise. Yes you heard me right: uncles, not hot guys our age (not being an age-ist, really).

Mega Meh.

Lessons in The Strangest Places

Some-unknown number of posts back I remembered saying that I didn't have to rely on social applications to try to find people, but I waved the white flag earlier losing more pride than bets in value.

Good people are hard to find in all, because as per the superficial realm of this side of the planet, physical critique is immediately defaulted. Many desperate people also linger, but ignorance can be bliss. There are some of a certain age that exudes sexiness and perceptual attraction but you can't clap unless the other hand is given out to you. But one specific individual, by virtue of a random occurrence, put me on the spot, placing my unique gray morality in check again.

What am I doing, and do I really believe in what I believe in? I'm not sure what to think now, but this sort of discomfort is almost necessary for a person who claims to self-reflect everyday. I walk the longer path now to a crossroad, and not making a decision might seem to become more practical and ideal. However, I know deeply that one must choose even if the road leads to hell unknowingly.

<3 everyone. Please love deeply.

Pondering a Couple of Bebenda

V is not equals to T + B. Please get your facts right.

Got blocked the first time today. That is their right and kudos to whatever choice of life they wish to live.

I think I'm more attracted to older guys. Although some still have the brain of a 8 year old, a majority are more mature, experienced and have no tolerance for unnecessary drama. How many years difference should the cap be? I'm not sure. No offense to the young and mature thinking ones, I was one of you.

Still got lots of stuff to give to people. I keep forgetting about my souvenirs for others after dragging back bucket-loads.

+1 today. Sucks to the max. I swam today after so long, enjoyed the familiar waters.

Lots of things on my mind and in my body. Will work them out sooner or later.

Yeah.

That's it for now.

Meh.

The Masses

It's difficult being too unique. You have fewer people who understand you, even fewer who can hold a conversation, and almost none who can think at the same wavelength. Sometimes, I want to be normal.

Met friends today, and somehow, I can't seem to connect with them the same way anymore. Not out to any of them, but still. Maybe I was just tired literally.

Meh.

The weekend is here, I'm gonna get sleep and take advantage of this deserving break. Sun, please don't disappoint me!

Going Stark, Bursting Out, And Horns

I have been a big fan of Jen Stark's work since I bumped into her while random surfing. I think her art speaks for itself, which is the type of communication that I find to be most paramount. Despite how surreal they may seem, they are 100% real. I'm using the below as my wallpaper at work:

Burst, Jen Stark

Visit her website for more colourfully frenetic designs: http://www.jenstark.com/

Have you gone into your cocoon yet? I think I have yet to do so. I have only done what snakes done, shedding old skin every year or so, making myself seem new but get old sooner or later. What I need is a metamorphosis, to burst out from a complete transformation ready to spread my wings and fly into possibility space. Sounds so jeng, but yeah.

Thorns erupting from all sides, attempts to strip them down are in vain. Hopefully this is only a phase, fear of new beginnings within treads of uncertainty and desperation.

Meh.

Changing Winds of Change

Despite all the hoo-haa of restructuring and all, I find out that I am not moving to the end of the world (sad corner of the office away from  my current team) and I'll be staying with my current art director for the most parts despite still taking on new jobs. Yay me. Also got upgraded to a better Mac with the Adobe suite in it. Sweet.

Really tired. What I need is sleep and a good massage.

Still need to sort out my NZ stuff, both pictures/videos and gifts. Still need to meet more people too.

Meh.

Back To Normality

What am I kidding myself. There is no normal.

I arrived back in Kuala Lumpur yesterday from the long NZ trip expecting to be slapped hard in the face by the humidity, but was pleasantly surprised that the cool morning air wasn't as cruel. However, my expectations were not subverted when exiting the terminal brought a massive heat wave causing me to sweat profusely. The worsening conditions of the haze doesn't do my efforts to defend my homeland's possibility of beauty any good.

Went on a date yesterday, and this time I did it at a neutral place. Nice guy, really, but not really much chemistry going on. He was also far to effeminate for my liking. Again, a preferential factor, can't help it.

Saw a cute guy at a coffee place in Auckland and I maintain that he looks like Bruce Lee:

I Heart Bruce Lee.

Will update more soon. Glad to be back much.