Fong Fei Kei...

... is a Cantonese term which means standing someone up, used to denote people who cancel their attendance at the very last (or close to the last) minute. Today, I had to make a strategic manouvre to cancel sailing practice because my throat was feeling bad. I felt really bad, because I know how bad is it to be on a receiving end of the standing up, especially when the event is already short-handed and is serious business. Must really apologize to my (technically replacement) skipper the next time I meet him.

I also bought a bolster today. The last time I had one was when i was smaller, somewhere up till the mid of primary school. When you keep hugging the bolster hard at the exact same place, you will get a 'neck' which gets awkward and ugly, so this time I hope that won't happen. I purposely chose a harder bolster to hopefully reduce the chance of such occurrences. What shall I name it?

Tomorrow is Ching Ming and I have to wake up at 5 am. Hoping that the weather is at least forgiving tomorrow. Today is also Earth Hour Day, but somehow I'm not turning anything off. Meh me.

Oh, and the feeling you get when a dear friend from Australia calls you by phone to catch up with you is beyond priceless. I miss you too!

Have a great weekend!

This is for Yesterday LXXIII - Awkward Turns Into Interest

Maybe I'm a good matchmaker. I can't believe I just said that. No, I'm not. A good matchmaker, not me not believing that I said that.

Of Flowing With The Go, Irate Anonymity and Muscles That Are Good For Nothing

I kind of made a life changing decision yesterday (it's not too much a big deal) and I've sort of got mixed feelings about the whole ordeal (but thanks Bestie for the input). I'll blog about it when the time comes, but yeah.

Got a random message from an unknown number:

Unknown: 朋友
Me: who is this???
Unknown: u malay?
Me (after getting inspired by Bestie): i have no time for this shit. either tell me who u r or im not replying anymore
Unknown: o0o f*** you!

I don't know who you are or how you got my number, but I'm not being overly rude, I'm just trying to save your time (and mine as well).

Just had a random conversation with my Bestie, and we came out with this: Muscles are good for nothing except not allowing you to eat stuff. This came off some random conversation about gym freaks who are big and buff yet do nothing much in their real life with those muscle power. Just saying. I can't stand having my aesthetic muscles not being as functional as they look.

This is for Yesterday LXXIII - A+ For Being HIV-

Blood test results came out two days ago, but I forgot to blog about it. I finally know my blood type after so long: A+. There is also not that many complications, just slightly high cholesterol and triglyceride readings, nothing that a minor diet adjustment can't change. Happy to announce that I am HIV- too. Yay me.

This is for Yesterday LXXII - Dilemma Of Trust

You can only trust someone if they trust you first. Yet, you only receive trust by trusting others. A Mobius Strip of ethical stupidity...

The Case For Loneliness

This is a major having-thoughts-all-over-the-place rant post. Some parts might be shallow or unnecessarily deep. Tread lightly.

The number one thing I deal with the most in this state of transition and decision-making is loneliness. This might be strange, considering I am not always alone, but I have said before that you can be surrounded by a crowd yet be filled with this sense of disconnection (my blog title rings a bell?).

1. The number one thing people comment to me is that I have too much time, and if I keep myself occupied with something productive, I would not have such emotional experiences. Although this might seem true, aren't we just technically shutting off real issues instead of resolving them at heart? Just saying.

2. The second comment is that I think too much, and this is true to some levels. However, I need to operate under a well-defined environment (at least in my own eyes) despite the many unknown variables. There are just too many things I have to protect, too many people I don't want getting hurt, too many dreams to salvage, and perhaps in that process I beat myself down without realising it.

3. Some say I just need to get laid (thanks guys, not so sure whether all of you are serious, but it sounded like it). I have said it before, sex to me is not a tool, but an act of togetherness with an emotional connection of a higher level. It isn't a tool. I've had a friend hand me a book about sexual needs and the justification to meet those needs, but somehow I couldn't relate.

4. I've been trying to be friends (or perhaps more than friends) with select groups/individuals, and I seem to be having a problem of "wanting to be close with people who don't care, and ignoring those who do" like depicted in teenage dramas. It seems my pubescent experiences came a little late. Also having those strange thoughts of "why couldn't I come into your life much earlier" or "I wished I never known you". Things would have been so much easier if I played the avoidance card, but like I said, it would just be throwing a boomerang and not moving from origin.

5. Move on or wait and fight? I don't know. Both have a different appeal, but I wished the wait and fight path would look more promising.

6. I need to reevaluate my friendships. This sounds so wrong, and makes me feel kind of shallow. The whole point of friends is to not have any reason to keep one, but somehow, some of them are giving too many reasons to be more ignorant of them (to those who have yet to do so or have kept within limits of my tolerance, congratulations, you guys are awesome beyond awesome). I don't want to waste my time on friendships where I keep serving the ball yet not have the individual hit it back. Another ironic point though, there are some of which I refuse to let go. Kill me now.

7. Although some of the people I'm 'counseling' claims to be messed up, I think I'm more messed up. Like my Bestie puts it, even the best of people go through shit. Well, The shit is hardening up over me and I better find an escape.

Somehow, I think I'm repeating stuff up there. Hmmm. I don't know how my readers put up with me.

Blood test results comes out tomorrow. Somehow, I don't care whether I'm healthy or not (I mean I want to be healthy, but I somehow lost the fear of illness at this point). I hope I'm not subconsciously feeling suicidal. Meh.

Of Storage Sweeps and Cake Stuffing

Invested in a 2TB external hard disk so that I can finally reformat my buggy computer. I call it my vault, where I can store anything of all dodgy levels. I must use all of my anal compulsive powers of organisation to archive everything properly; that applies to all areas of my life, but yeah.

Ate 4 cakes for dinner with my Bestie: green tea cheese, crème brûlée cheese, moist chocolate and pecan butterscotch. I'm so gonna regret it, but once in a while it is okay. Didn't make it to gym too, which makes the (lack of) guilt more prominent.

In other areas of my life, I think I'm doing okay. I'll be okay.

Nottingham Visit

Went for the open day at the University of Nottingham, Malaysia campus in Semenyih. It's super far (to me, it felt like it was sitting on the end of the world), and I was kinda going in circles after making a wrong turn in Cheras (that blasted intersection area...). It was an interesting campus, and despite the hot day, I had a good time thanks to good friend taking me around (particularly to the EEG and eye tracking labs). I'm glad he is doing okay.

Went to the gym despite worrying that I couldn't finish my workout routine in less than an hour before it closes. Managed to finish it, but couldn't get a drink from the juice bar or use the sauna facilities. It kinda sucks when you can't get your entire regime done properly.

Tomorrow I'm gonna visit the education fair in Mid Valley.

This is for Yesterday LXXI - Smokestack

Spent the night (and the wee hours of the morning) celebrating my good friend's birthday.

Yesterday as I passed the SPRINT toll, I was asked to halt by a royal consort, and as the golden Benz pass by I noticed that the number plate was completely yellow with no number plate, but only has the Malaysian coat of arms. The Agong has just passed through, too bad I didn't grab a picture.

Another observation, more of my friends are starting to smoke. I can't really stop them, but I'm surprised that it has come to this. I can only pray for their safety (not that I'm saying that they'll contract some sort of disease or condition, but the fact that they either socially learnt that behaviour or reduce themselves to escaping stress through this means is worrisome).

Tomorrow, the Secret Recipe buy 3 free 1 promotion ends, I better go get my cakes...

Burp Burn Bleed

1. If you drink a sufficient amount of carbonated drinks in a go and close your mouth appropriately, the gas build up with escape through the nose. I experienced that today and it feels as bad as the wasabi effect.

2. The weather has been really, really bad these days, and it's hitting me badly. Please take care by keeping out of the son, drinking plenty of water, and avoiding heaty foods.

3. I'm gonna go get a full range blood test done tomorrow (after somehow avoiding it for so long). I'm dreading the blood extraction part of it, but it should be fine. Finally, I will know my blood type for sure. Not so sure how my being not fully well and having recovering muscles affect the accuracy of my normative readings.

I've been going through a bumpy emotional experience recently, but I should be fine. Thanks to those who were there for me in one way or another.

Gunnerkrigg Court, Tommy Siddell.

I'll wait, but I'll keep my eyes open wide.

My body is also quite messed up these days, maybe it's psychosomatic. Hmmm.

Also, I forgot to do a personal call-out. The artist/writer of the webcomic Gunnerkrigg Court, Tommy Siddell, has quit his job to work on the project full time. This is the kind of passion I want to have in the work that I do. If you haven't read his works, please do: Gunnerkrigg Court

This Shit Is Bananas, B A N A N A S

Tonight I cannot leave myself alone, but since everyone is either sick, too far away, or completely inappropriate to be selected under this circumstance, I'll bring my toy monkey around.

Fate has been kind though. But seriously, stop toying with me (people I mean, not fate). Thank you.

Oh, and on an unrelated note, the Starbucks in Bangsar Village II is having a Buy 1 Free 1 promotion until the 31st of March.

Not All Taken, Just Not Ready

Today I got an epiphany from getting metaphorically kicked in the balls: the good guys are not all taken, they are merely not yet ready.

Ugh. I wished I wasn't ready too.

I'm still trusting God on this, in His time. I'm strong. I'm good.

(I'm not, but let me lie once in a while. And although this isn't the first time, I am completely being withdrawn from others suddenly. I hate this feeling.)

Lonely In A Sea Of Men Turns One

It's been one year of sharing stories, sharing inspirations and sharing dreams with all of my readers, both frequent and occasional. This blog has always been about my journal of life, a chronicle of the moments and emotions that I have to traverse in my walk as a maturing individual. I try my hardest to be as open as I can, but sometimes I use my own cryptic messages as a memory that only I (or close friends) can decipher. This blog has also stood for my individuality, my personal style of expressing myself through various media, my continuous devotion to not compromise of my own principles (unless I choose to) and to not conform to the norms of society. This blog is me, changing as it grows with each post and each written word.

I should be changing the design today, but I couldn't sketch something in time. Will do it soon (really). Same goes for my profile picture across all networking accounts.

Came out to a close friend today, she wasn't surprised although she did not suspect a thing. Also had dinner with another friend and a sudden date with a new friend to end the weekend nicely.

Tomorrow, I better remember to do my tax stuff.

So that's it. Turning one is just a minor celebration, it's just a number anyway. Have a great week ahead!

This is for Yesterday LXX - Body Fat Percentage

Some people do not need a low body fat percentage to see their abs. Jealous much.

What a shallow post, haha.

This is for Yesterday LXIX - Facial Product Overload

Got a close friend working in L'oreal and his place is flooded with products, so I took several of his hands (refreshing toner, moisturising essence, facial cleanser and acne roll-on thingy). Yay me.

Swam in hotel pool with crush too and bought essential shorts. Yay me.

Of Cursed Surnames and Releasing the Third Demon and

Today I kinda found out that a university friend is gay (not your fault Bestie). I mean, some of us were wondering for quite a while (perhaps more people know than not), but we always thought it could go either way. I was relatively close to him once before when he stayed nearer to me, and since we have the same surname, we always joked that we are distant cousins. Maybe the surname is cursed. It will be a bigger shock if I found out that one of my cousins is too...

Diablo 3 is out on May 15. If you don't know that I am a semi-gamer yet, now you do. Just gonna get it for long term investment to play with friends and all; should be fun.

The weekend is almost here, not that it makes any difference at this point. I must also learn to Yoda my emotions and all more efficiently. Sorry guys.

1st Gaynniversary

You'd think special days like this will involve a huge celebration and something majestic worthy of retelling in storybooks. However, what I've learnt from the past year is that sometimes when things don't turn out the way they do in fairy tales, it actually is something sweeter and more cherished. I just celebrated with my Bestie, and intimate and comforting environment of trust.

A huge thanks to everyone who played a part in my journey (yes, including those strange encounters of which I should not regret in totality). Thanks to myself of course for not becoming a slut or an ass or a bitch (not judging those who are), but to be as good a friend I can to people around me.

Just thought of something I'm gonna do during my birthday, I'm gonna wake up super early in the morning, make breakfast sets and deliver them to the doorsteps of people I care for. Yeap. Giving is the way to go. Still not so sure what to do after that, what with different groups of friends and all; I don't wanna make each of them uncomfortable anyway.

I should sleep earlier.

Tomorrow Is An Important Day

Tomorrow is the anniversary of me making a firm decision to be gay and never turn back. I have had an interesting year, both filled with both good times and emo times, but I have never truly regretted anything per se. Don't know how I'll celebrate...

Today is another hmmm day.

End Of March Is Tax Report Deadline

Relatively random post title.

Turning apathetic is my most recurring defense mechanism lately. Fortunately not many people can read facial expressions that well, if not I'll be in deeper shit.

I need a hug.

And no matter how u see it, a square is less dangerous than a triangle.

That's all, coded and cryptic just like I like it.

Oh, I almost forgot. I visited the Chinwoo Pool today. It's actually quite dirty and somehow the air is arid and smoky. I like the size of it though and the view from the top of the hill is quite a scene. Oh well.

Gossiping Culture

Back when I was still in church, there was a culture of not gossiping about others since it was biblically discouraged. However, the definition of gossiping is sometimes semantically misused and labelled. Gossiping involves idle talk about the personal or private matters of a person/subject. It is intended as a means of sharing views and perspectives, but it also introduces great risk of misinformation and rumour-mongering within the conversation. That said and done, my anthropological self beliefs that gossiping does have benefits for social groups.

How about when you start hearing stuff about a close friend? To me, I will be more appalled that the close friend doesn't trust me enough to tell me such stuff rather than the degree of disgust, embarassment or sheer evil that the secret might be attached to. Is that gossiping? It's not like the primary intention was to spread the information, rather to objectively discuss the matter and to always admit to each other that there are subjective views imposed all the time.

I never talk bad about a person, and when I discuss a person's flaws, I tend to see it as a part of the growing process or a whimsical part of the personality (maybe I'm just being diplomatic, but it really works in the long run for both them and your sanity/conscience). I also always talk more about their strengths as much as I can.

What if you hear comments about yourself made by your close friends? It sometimes hurt to know that your friends are shallow, but again, the hurt comes from a lack of trust. I can take the truth even if it hurts, as long as you support me and help me grow.

So I guess gossiping is about the intent (or I so want to believe).

This is for Yesterday LXVIII - Beethoven's Emperor

Finally watched Beethoven's Emperor Concerto live at MPO. It was conducted by Claus Peter Flor, the Music Director of the MPO and performed by Ronald Brautigam. While both are in their late ages, Brautigam's spirited white hair which reminds me of an estranged professor takes control of the stage. He is certainly a seasoned pianist, leading the first movement with grace (although I prefer a little more force at parts). The second movement was appropriately graceful and melancholic, but not altogether sad. The last movement was full of energy, and this is where you truly see his fortitude and technique shine. To be honest, I was kind of lulling (but not dozing off yet) during the first two movements, but shaken myself to be fully attentive for the rest.

I need to stop comparing current pianists with the legends. That and the Petronas Philharmonic Hall is not big enough to suit a piano concerto, placing the piano too close with the main ensemble, drowning the acoustics a little. Lastly, the piano seems to be a little overpadded, but maybe it's just me.

Brahms's 4th Symphony is an appropriate second half of the concert, now giving Flor space to manouvre. It's grandiose and totally immersive, but I don't get why Brahms had to make the 4th movement so jumpy. Hmmm.

Great experience overall.

This is for Yesterday LXVII - Friendly Massages

A close friend and I gave each other back massages; mine hurts from gym and his from work.

Used to have a friend from my foundation year who looks skinny and all, but she has so much strength and experience with hitting the right spots.

It's nice to be able to do these without feeling sexual.

MPO today, weeeee!

Of Burden of Silence, True Homes, and Prayers for Bobby

I'm still learning to be a better friend everyday, and I agree that no one is perfect, but my curiosity sometimes gets the better of me and my patience dwindle. Maybe at times the best thing to do is be silent, but aren't close friends suppose to be more trusting? Sometimes the burden of a true friend is to be still and let your friends suffer.

Am I honest about myself? I try my best, and I usually tell people if I am hiding stuff from them, along with the assurance that I will tell them the secrets in time. I'm sorry if I haven't been any better.

Got a song on mega replay, maybe because I relate very well to it:

A House is Not a Home, Tamyra Gray.

Probably one of the best performances on American Idol ever, although it didn't seem to make the list for most of the review and rankings I've tried searching for on Google. I'm even trying to get the melody of her rendition into my head (it's really tricky).

Most people think of their houses as their home (especially when they're overseas and homesick) because the physical locations helps solidify their experiences in the past. However, I see my home as the closeness I have to the people I actually care about (both people I love and people I want to love). Maybe that's why I get so lonely sometimes, even in my own house, even when I have family and friends nearby. I need to feel that link existing, that great sense of trust, love and camaraderie all rolled into one.

Missing my Bestie now suddenly. :(

Missing my close friends overseas. :(

Watched Prayers for Bobby, a dramatised real story about a gay son who killed himself after going through depression and lack of support from his stoic Christian family members, and the mum's journey of self-discovery. I cried like crazy. Like, repeatedly. I suddenly feel so much more human.

Before you echo Amen to your home and in place of worship, think and remember, a child is listening. Mary Griffith.

Of Sleepless Night, Family History Lessons and Old Inspirations

Didn't really get good sleep yesterday, had several bouts of psychosexual disturbances that I refuse to give in. Meh. All the wrong timings I tell you.

Went for breakfast and did some banking with my aunt, who then discloses some pass history about my grandfather's second wife (of which I had no clue about) and the drama that happened between both sides (my grandmother's lineage vs. my stepmother's lineage). Nothing too dramatic, but I never knew all these actually happened. I hope nothing of that sort happens between my sisters, my cousins and I.

Another classic rendition that most people will remember if you followed the first season of American Idol. Always sparks confidence in me. I've missed Miss Gray so much...

And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going, Tamyra Gray

This is for Yesterday LXVI - Teaching Relativity and Mass in the Gym

1. Object appears smaller when placed next to larger objects.

2. Object appears smaller when viewed from afar, even after proportional adjustments.

3. Object appears larger without sight/astigmatism correction.

4. Object appears desirable when out of reach (physically and mentally).

5. Force doesn't always equal mass times acceleration. (And if you are still wondering, I'm not talking about physics in the entire post.)

6. Weight is actually invertedly proportional to mass times degree(s) of gravitation.

Ahaha, my nerd side is being funny.

Oh, and I officially added another client to my counseling list. Welcome aboard the cum chum guzzler (that's from Spongebob, by the way).

Just Saying

You know the saying 'sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never kill me'? Bahumbug. No matter how strong you are, you can and will be hurt by just plain utterances. Just saying.

On a random note, I just learned that nipples do not sweat upon noticing sweat marks on my tank top after exercising. Just saying.

Some people say hi, then when you actually attend to them and all, they zone our and lose interest even when you put in so much effort to keep a conversation going. What is your problem? If you don't plan to talk to me, go away and stop saying hi. You're wasting both our time. Just saying.

What Car Am I?

A close friend did profiling on me and said I was a Volvo: safe, stable, reliable, and a real classic, but sometimes the warning signals can get annoying and otherwise unbearable.

o.O

Sometimes I don't know whether to be offended or laugh in such scenarios.

This is for Yesterday LXV - Exhaustion Buzz

Didn't get proper sleep with it being interrupted for no reason throughout the night. However, I survived my sailing experience.

While chilling out with cakes and drinks later, had a strange buzz probably due to exhaustion and symptoms of the verge of falling sick. Hope I don't though.

Saw this video posted by my godbrother, and it is one of the most entrancing dances I have seen so far.

Calypso, Eric Luna and Georgia Ambarian.

Not All Of Us Are Incredible Hulks

How do you move a container?
Oh, someone will just pick up the 60 footer and put in on the ship.
A takal will lift in on logs and people will roll in onto the ship.
Yeah, yeah.


Great to catch up with old friends, where we can just have such conversations.

Also swam with crush again. Things seem normal, so yay.

The weekend is here, and I have sailing plans tomorrow. Hope my muscles will recover sufficiently.

Of The Randomness of Lucky Star, Confessing Crushes and Honest Matters

I'm not very fond of ice-cream cones.
Why?
I can't stand it when only the cone is left.
That's right. You always end up with some cone left.
I push the ice cream into the cone as I eat.
How do you push the ice cream?
I do a little push and pull action as I eat.
Push and pull is it?


Lucky Star is an awesome manga-inspired anime by Kagami Yoshimizu about the lives of 4 school girls in Japan and their random occurrences and conversations. Plenty of great script that looks completely natural and that makes it totally relatable. And of course I like a little push and pull action the way Konata likes hers. And probably the way she doesn't like hers either, but I digress. I've rewatched the entire only season a million times but it always cracks me up.

To a more personal matter, I kinda confessed to my crush through him viewing this blog. Probably shouldn't have done it so soon, but I was tired of lying (which will bring me to my third point later). Things are a teensy little awkward, but I am strong and I can handle my emotions now. I will deal with it. And if I fall, I have plenty of close friends who will be there to catch me or find me in a dark alley crying my eyes out, whichever comes first (although the latter isn't very probable as of now). There's nothing wrong with liking or loving someone, it's just whether you can live with the consequence.

I'll admit, I wasn't the most honest kid back then. I lied through my teeth to save myself from punishment and embarassment, even when it might cause another person to experience fortune. But life has taught me much (although I wished this could have been drilled deeper into my head earlier on) and I have come to the understanding why dishonesty generally doesn't work.

How about white lies? I still tell those. I believe that there are people we try to protect using these 'innocent lies'. Even then, I believe that if we truly are friends with another person, they deserve the truth sooner or later, no matter how bitter it can be.

March is here. The world hasn't ended yet, but I better hurry on with my life.