I Was Thinking...

Think about it: some gays put themselves in a heterosexual relationship.

Storm After The Eye

Hi.

It's been a while, and I guess I was pretty much too uninspired, lazy and indifferent to post anything here. Somehow, the realisation that this nook I have has become more webby (pun not intended) and ostracised far from even the reader I may have garnered has prodded me to actually want to share my recent status here.

That and I needed an outlet. There are some things I don't even tell my Bestie (somewhat because I love her so much, and also probably because I am a little insecure about these things) (and this is weird, because she might just read it all up here anyway) or my other close friends.

I'm still single.

And when I say 'still', I mean that I have yet to ever get official with anyone.

Some people might say, "don't worry, you're still young", or "you should savour your singledom while you still can", or even "you'll find one sooner or later".

The thing is, I already know for myself that I might never ever get a boyfriend. I mean, it's just part of the general probabilities. And it's not just an issue with me being excessively choosy or me being a difficult person to be attached with (although some of my friends might disagree with me and just label me a stubborn cow). I am not happy single. I really am not. And I'm sorry, but I don't believe in the whole "you cannot be happy with someone when you can't be happy by yourself". I might not like crowds, but I want to be with my life partner, and it is sitting high on my lifetime goals.

And being unsuccessful for far too long is starting to take a toll on me and my self-esteem. Yes, I do have my own share of physical and mental insecurities, but each of them are further amplified by extended periods of failure. It doesn't help that some of my friends (the gay ones especially), who keep regaling me with tales of their latest flirts/dates/relationships/sexual exploits.

Somehow, I envy the shallow ones, those who do not give a shit about anyone else, who are hedonists by nature, seeking only pleasures of the flesh and perceived happiness of the mind, sinking deeper into a world they assume they have created by themselves but actually is a construct of their social reality. I wished I could just slut. Yet, I know I can't. I cannot be happy, no matter how many hot guys I sleep with, how great the sex may be, how numerous the possessions I have.

I am so weak.

My 25th birthday just passed.

It was very low profile, and that's fine, but it still isn't a celebration I would have wanted. I wasn't fully well, and sleep has eluded me these couple of days. I only met up with a few, but at this point of time, I really know the friends who really, REALLY, cared for me (and will care for me), and it's just less than a handful. At the same time, I know I should feel lucky. Some people don't even have one.

I must learn to love more. There is already so much hate and indifference in the world.

Sometime back, a friend told me that the only thing his partner needed to have was kindness. The kind of kindness who needs no excuse to be good, that is consistently helpful regardless of whether people take advantage of them. At that point, I argued that you still should be smart enough not to be conned. Months have passed, and I have started to see the reality he has been seeing through. True kindness is really the most important thing.

I don't know where I'm going with all this.

Good night, and love deeply, love kindly.

XOXO
Min

Look Alike

Apparently I look like one of this:

HeeJun Han vs Sean Plott

Hmmm hmmm.

This Sort Of 'Entitlement'

You're a young new blood, and the world is ripe for your taking, but at the same time, you become the targets of many hungering for that virgin fruit.

But, you're just a small fry with nothing to show. Not endowed either ways. Not blessed with genes or the physicality that makes both sexes weak in the knees. Untrained. Unmatched. Seen more as a unknown that no one would chance on in case of a liability.

Still, you brave forward, sending smoke signals to designated few. And that's alright, 'cause you can see signals sent to you yourself. Some of which you choose to ignore, and some you only put in reserve with no intention whatsoever. But, you are paid in kind, so you let yourself rationalise this sort of karma.

Soon, you learn some sort of helplessness, that some people have this sort of 'entitlement' that the social contract willfully enforces. That you have no worth beyond what you have been deemed.

I hate to judge, and this shouldn't be the way society should be. What am I but a triviality?

But we should never give up. And we should never become numb.

Love people.

Happy Thaipusam.

XOXO

The Case Against Raising Children

I always told myself that sometime down the road, my caring nature will make me want to raise a child, and it all depends on my partner too anyway. I do have friends who are willing to take all responsibility of raising a child on their own despite whatever the partner wants, but I want the child to have two parents (even if it is two fathers).

However the recent case of William Yau being found dead for a week in the Klang River is retchingly discomforting. Yes, the parents were partly at fault for leaving the children unattended. Yes, the parents should have come up with some kind of a code for the children to follow when left alone. But I think there's something terribly wrong about the world that we are living in, a very wrong kind of wrong.

I'm, for one, a person who believes that our children should be able to explore and be protected in an open environment, and when I say this, I don't mean that the child has to be accompanied to every restroom break or walked hand-in-hand from the car to the front gate of the school. The fact that we have to be so cautious and critical with the way we handle our children means that our children will grow up to trust less easily, and this is not a community I want to contribute towards.

I say all of this now, but maybe raising a child is that worth it in the long run. I'll see when the time comes.

Have a great long weekend guys (and gals)!

A Probably More Human 2013?

Greeting wonderous lifeforms (except you horrid cockroaches)!

I am guilty of not taking the stage here for some time, although it has never been a responsibility per se, but things was kinda hectic and mundane at the same time.

I already failed two of my resolutions, which is to sleep at 11pm everyday and to not get sick. My current sleep time average would probably be 12.00am, or maybe even that's an excessively optimistic estimation. I still have bacteria-stragglers playing guest in my upper respiratory tract, and now am on a short Augmentin course. Well, things could have been much worse. For example, I could already be dead (although some might claim that to be good, but we'll leave such discussions for the impossible future).

Two things happened randomly recently; they weren't exactly eventful, but it got me thinking a little.

1. I saw a Korean monk talking on a variety show, and although I'm Christian, good values do transcend religions and we should learn all that is good. The biggest part of his message is to allow ourselves to be human, to let ourselves feel anger and hate and insecurities and it's probably worse if you suppress them. However, we should also be always aware that we are feeling it, and the self-awareness alone will give us more freedom than we actually think.

2. It was 7.30pm, and I'm lying on the bed, totally already decided that I shouldn't go to the gym and rest instead. Somehow, I felt insecure somewhat (it's okay to feel it!) so I stuck a Magnum Mini down my throat and let the guilt lead me to the gym. On the way back, I wanted to grab something to eat before I took my meds, but nobody seemed to be free and I didn't want to waste too much time so I could return home and sleep early (hopefully). I went to Ming Tien food court and ta pao-ed Onion Naan and Tandoori Chicken. On the way back, I couldn't resist but to just eat the folded Naan right from the plastic bag. Like a hobo. When I reached home, I did the same to the chicken, ravaging it like some kampung Ah Beng. Sometime, this small little things show us how human we are, that we do not need nice plates and bowls and utensils to feel civilised. Sometimes, it's okay to give in to our basal urges. Sometimes.

Okay, random post ends. Thanks for wasting your time reading this wall of nonsense!

Oh, and I also recently tried BodyBalance at the gym, just for fun. So weird to learn all this at the gym when your own mum is a yoga instructor, haha. I guess you could say the same about people who run on treadmills when the road is just out the door (but it's different, really!).

Tomorrow is already Friday, so let's have ourselves a good one okay! I need to be less shy! Yosh!

XOXO

2013

Overall, 2012 was a really twisted year with the climax being my tonsillectomy. Despite what people usually say about the year going by fast, it seemed to go at an acceptable speed for me. Looking forward to the new year, these are some of my resolutions:

Music: Start piano classes, find a teacher by the coming weekend.

Health: Cut to 10% body fat, then stabilize for 2 weeks, then bulk. This should involve just cardio and core training and not too much weight training along with a deficit diet. Sleep at 11pm everyday. Drink lots of water. Avoid simple sugars, simple carbohydrates and fried food. Swim everyday if I can help it (stupid Kelana Jaya is still closed till today).

Career: Look for another job. I don't hate my current job, but I don't love it either. And staying too long in a job that pays me this much is a big sabotage for my career, because it tells other employers that I'm willing to work for that little (although this is really a special scenario, others may be quick to judge). I would also probably need more experience in a larger corporation anyway, but I need to see how I cope with my Masters.

Qualifications: Apply for Masters within two weeks. Get referral letters from my ex-lecturers.

Relationships: Get closer to each of my friends and family. Step out of the closet to to my sisters. Evaluate other acquaintances. Get a significant other (crossing fingers).

Finances: Spend wisely, keep track of all purchases.

Discipline: Just say no to distractors. Be much, much more patient. Eat plenty of humble pie. Love deeply.