I Can See The Matrix

I'm broken, lost, and completely and utterly paralysed if not for those long periods of mindless routines I have probably subconsciously gotten myself into to prevent myself from thinking about my own predicament. No wonder people say ignorance is bliss, because it is beginning to hurt more and more whenever I start thinking about things.

To put things into perspective, I probably should start with a small analogy of my own situation:

A presupposed god-of-sorts with an ambiguous motive created existence and beings of consciousness of which one species became predominantly intelligent over the years: men. However, men was supposedly created imperfect, and individuals often swing between the seemingly impossible ideals which is socially welcome and the irresistible pangs of sin which (almost?) all men fall for without fail.

At first, men's interactions were mostly independent, but as the species grew in number, they are forced to band together with concepts such as culture, ethics and morality. In an endless cycle of influence, both men and morals shape and evolve each other. Systems also emerged, with law, politics, economies, and spheres of influence giving men a strong illusion of free will when in fact they have already become chained to a life that has been predisposed without agency.

Two men were talking about these issues. One is more of a cynic, believing that  at worst, there is inevitably no hope and that it is easier to game the system rather than change anything , or at best, that we are just supposed to flow along with the system whilst believing that the small changes in our very actions, collectively, will suffice to tranform the world. The second man is more of a believer, that humanity's very own endearing hopelessness is the very same reason it will move forward to greater frontiers, but at the same time he is stifled and paralysed, knowing that almost all actions he takes is already corroborative evidence with the establishment.

Now for the question: who is right?

It is hard enough asking the question once, but imagine having to ask the same question at every single decision-making scenario. It's like getting into an endless loop without an escape to the least objectionable activity, with the loop itself preventing putting such escape in retrospect.

This is more than just an issue of refusing to dumb down ideas. The first problem to face is the problem of objective truths, of which science does not currently have methods of determining. You'd still need to settle for either a Bayesian or a Frequentist method, but to an idealist it doesn't seem enough. No matter how high the certainty is for a specific data, I have this strange belief that that infinitesimal small chance of things not going as is should be will happen, is happening and have had happen.

The second issue is the argument for morality. The concept of 'good' and 'evil' is parked uncomfortably in an unknown range of greyness, and although most of us say that the laws that govern humanity should hold these values to its highest importance, the sins of men often tear those notions down, and the men begins to metagame for greater advantage over his peers. If good and evil was merely relative, is there still any peg that exists or are we just subject to the limitations of our finite perception?

The third, the hardest, is the issue of trust and faith. That the very actions that seems the hardest cannot just be educated to, forced on, or just simply done on behalf of the people that should exercise their own agency. We have to put so much trust in each other, that each individual with the same chance of hopeless dread will step up WITH each other to break beyond out molds.

In the words of Kaitani Shinobu's Liar Game:

Liar Game 201 v16 Page 14 / Liar Game Manga

All three problems interact to form to ask the big question: why are we here? It is very easy to either just subject ourselves to a religion, or to not believe in anything (that we don't need to have a purpose), but an absolute truth seeker never settles for nothing other than absolute truth. The inability to do this is something worse than physical death.

I'm still... scared of pain, for it is uncomfortable, but to not exist is such a beautiful thing. It's weird to be able to empathise with suicide victims.

Hope is not lost though, for my non-existence means that the world will lose one more person that can see the Matrix of sorts. And professional help will be needed.

I'll get through somehow.